Aug 5
Struggling in making a decision!
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh Sheikh.
I am a 20-year-old Muslim woman living in Canada, and I would really appreciate an honest Islamic perspective on my situation. I am asking anonymously because this involves my family and a potential marriage.
I have been in a serious relationship with a Muslim man for approximately two years. We are both interested in marriage and have discussed marriage seriously. We are not simply trying to continue dating indefinitely; my intention is to determine whether marriage between us is genuinely good and permissible and, if so, how we can move toward it in a halal way.
There are several complications.
My parents, particularly my mother, have strongly opposed him. Some of their concerns are about his character, his family, his career/education, and whether I would be treated well after marriage.
However, I believe some of the things my mother has concluded about him are based on assumptions or worst-case scenarios rather than things that have actually happened.
For example, My mother has also interpreted some of his conservative/religious boundaries as controlling. For example, he once strongly discouraged me from working at a particular restaurant because he was uncomfortable with the environment and interactions between men and women there. I understood his concern as being related to our shared religious values, although I recognize that I need to honestly examine whether any behaviour in our relationship has crossed from a religious boundary into unhealthy control.
My mother has also alleged that he expects me to tolerate mistreatment from his mother. I do not believe this is accurate. From my experience, he has not told me that I should accept abuse or disrespect from his family.
Another concern my mother has raised is that his mother is unwell and may want him to marry a cousin, and that he might potentially marry the cousin and later divorce her. To my knowledge, there is no established plan for this, and I believe this is speculation rather than something he has actually told me he intends to do.
His family has become hurt by some of the things my mother has said about him and his family. My mother has made comments questioning his character, his intentions, his country/culture, his business/career, and his family.
Because of this, he is now worried that even if he marries me, there could be lifelong conflict between him and my family.
He has told me that he loves me and wants me, but that his parents' happiness is also extremely important to him. His parents have apparently encouraged him to let me go because of the conflict between the families (and they are those parents who from day 1 have loved me truly and had already made ma part of their family)
At times he has said that perhaps we need to let each other go. At other times he has said that he will speak to his family, pray about the matter, and see what happens. He has also told me that if Allah has written us for one another, nothing can prevent the marriage.
Recently, something unexpected happened: a relative of mine who previously had not been involved encouraged my mother to actually meet him and either resolve the matter or move forward. My mother has also become more open to meeting him and has asked about his education. So there is now some possibility of the families actually speaking rather than simply rejecting one another.
I love him deeply and want to marry him. I pray for him regularly and ask Allah to either bring us together in a halal marriage if he is good for my dunya and akhirah, or to remove him from my heart and give me something better if he is not.
I sometimes become very emotional because I am afraid of losing him. I have prayed Istikhara and made extensive dua.
I have also experienced coincidences and dreams that have made me wonder whether Allah is giving me signs that we are meant to be together. I understand that dreams and coincidences are not necessarily signs from Allah, and I don't want to make religious conclusions based purely on emotions or coincidences.
I want to know how I should distinguish tawakkul and genuine hope in Allah from simply wanting something so badly that I interpret everything as confirmation.
I am 20, and I am still completing my education. My family believes I should finish my education and accomplish more before marriage. And i have realised that my family wants everything according to what they want ( i know and understand parents want nothing but good for their children, however in everything i do from my education to getting married they want it according to their choice). They dont like this guy because I like him. they hate the program i am studying because its my choice even though its the second ranked program in the university. However I believe that I want to get married young and i want to build a life with my husband in it and complete my education alongside completing my deen.
I also want to mention that it has been almost a month since we have stopped meeting and cut off communication and it was purely
I want to know Islamically:
- Is there anything wrong with wanting to marry at 20 while still studying?
- What should I do in a situation like this?
- If a man is otherwise suitable, can a woman continue her education after marriage?
- How much weight should parents' objections carry when they are based on concerns that may be partly assumptions rather than established facts?
- How should I deal with my mom being this way? It hurts me everyday looking
Jazakillahu khairan for your time and guidance.
Pending