Shaykh Rasoul Q & ASShaykh Rasoul Q & A
Aug 6

Struggling in making a decision!

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu, I am seeking sincere and impartial Islamic guidance regarding marriage to a man. I will be turning 20 in a few months, and the man is older than me and financially stable. We have known each other and wanted to marry for almost two years. His parents know about me, his older sister has met me, and his family is open to the marriage. My parents, however, have repeatedly refused to properly consider the proposal, and their reasons have changed over time. Initially, their objection was that he is Pakistani and I am Indian, although neither of us has lived in Pakistan or India and we were both born, raised and settled elsewhere. Later, they said that I am too young, that my cousins of a similar age are concentrating on education, and that they believe I only want marriage because of physical desires. They are also concerned about what relatives will say because it is a marriage of our choice and because they will talk that I got married young. They have not been willing to properly meet him and his family or assess his religion, character, financial responsibility and suitability. During this period, the man and I have continued speaking and meeting. We understand that remaining in a romantic relationship outside nikkah is wrong. We have repeatedly tried to reduce our contact, but we have not remained consistent. We care deeply for each other, but the uncertainty has also caused frequent arguments, emotional dependence, trust problems and concerns about differences in family lifestyle and compatibility. He is concerned that certain aspects of my family environment and lifestyle may not align with the kind of marriage and household he hopes to have. I believe that I should be assessed according to my own beliefs, conduct, values and future intentions rather than every decision made by my parents. However, I also understand that family background, compatibility and trust can affect a marriage, and I do not want my emotions to prevent me from recognizing genuine concerns or warning signs. I have tried speaking to my parents and previously attempted mediation through an imam, but the situation did not improve. His parents have also tried to speak to my parents, but my parents have generally refused to engage with them. Recently, my father called his father and said that he would attend the nikkah, but as soon as he leaves the masjid he will cut all ties with me and with their family. After that conversation, the man’s father called my father again and requested that they meet and discuss everything properly, but my father did not respond. My father has also been consulting a religious person in India and has been told that I may be possessed because I remain determined to marry this man. Following that advice, my father has been placing lemons and glasses of water in my room. I do not know how I should respond to this or whether my desire to marry is being treated as a spiritual issue instead of being assessed through normal Islamic consultation and investigation. I do not want to disobey or abandon my parents. At the same time, I do not want to remain indefinitely in a haram relationship without a realistic path toward marriage. I have also prayed istikhara and have been waiting for guidance from Allah.. This situation has affected me emotionally and I have been feeling depressed, overwhelmed and lost during the past few weeks. I repeatedly try to discuss the matter with my parents, but they avoid the conversation. I have tried speaking to our relatives as well but everyone ends up saying that your parents are stubborn they won't agree with you ever. My mother has considerable influence over family decisions, and I am concerned that my personal choices regarding education and marriage may never be considered fairly. I want to act respectfully, but I also need to understand what rights and responsibilities Islam gives me in this situation. Could you please guide me regarding the following:1. Are my parents’ stated reasons Islamically valid reasons to refuse the proposal, or could their refusal be considered preventing a suitable marriage without proper grounds?2. What specific qualities and information should be investigated to determine whether this man is genuinely suitable for me in religion, character, temperament, financial responsibility and compatibility?3. Because trust and lifestyle differences have caused repeated arguments, should we receive premarital counselling or mediation before proceeding toward nikkah?4. What should our communication boundaries be while this matter is being resolved? Should we stop meeting and speaking completely, or may necessary communication continue through families or a mediator for the purpose of marriage?5. What is the correct Islamic process if my father continues refusing without properly assessing the proposal? Who should act as mediator, and under what circumstances, if any, could another wali or an Islamic authority become involved?6. Would a nikkah without my parents’ approval, or a private nikkah followed by a later public wedding, be valid and wise in my situation? Please explain the conditions of validity, the difference between something being technically valid and being advisable, and the legal, emotional and practical risks.7. How long should we continue attempting mediation before accepting that the marriage may not be possible, or before considering another lawful course of action? What concrete steps and timeline would you recommend?8. How should I combine istikhara with investigation, consultation and practical decision-making? How can I distinguish genuine guidance from my own emotional attachment, fear or wishful thinking?9. How should I respond to the claim that I am possessed because I continue requesting this marriage? Should this claim be assessed separately by a trustworthy scholar, and should it have any role in deciding whether the proposal is suitable?I am not asking you to simply confirm what I want. I genuinely want to know whether pursuing this marriage is good, responsible and Islamically sound, and how to proceed in a halal manner without harming my religion, my family, the man or myself.Jazakillahu khairan for your time and guidance.
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