Jul 26
Is it permissible for me to move out of my toxic household as an unmarried woman
Assalamu Walaikum,This message is quite long and I could not call the Imam as I do not feel comfortable in my household to do so. I am a 22 year old woman and I recently graduated. During university, I lived on campus but now I have returned to living with my family permanently or at least, until marriage.The issue is that I have never really be able to have a healthy relationship with my parents and it's honestly been causing serious detriment to how I've been feeling mentally as well as how I've performed religiously.Recently my younger brother had a birthday party to which I invited my friend to just to keep me company. None of us really expected her to bring a present but she did, it was just a small rubiks cube, nothing much. About a week after the birthday, my parents decided to make comments towards my friend's gift, using words like stingy to describe her. This upset me as I didn't agree with the hateful and judgemental approach they were taking on this and I didn't see the necessity for it to be a topic of conversation. They made lots of assumptions about her financial position, claiming that since her parents were rich she should have had the 'dignity' to get a more expensive gift.Now me and my parents don't see eye to eye on alot of things which has caused numerous arguments in the past. They seem to have this idea that according to Islam, I should agree to everything they say, never challenge them and keep my eyes down and listen. But sometimes the things they say and the logic they use is so ludicrous, I feel I have to speak up. I read somewhere that children are in fact allowed in Islam to correct their parents when they are wrong so long as it is done politely and respectfully and so I really tried to adopt that approach in this situation. However I found it really difficult considering they never actually let me speak and interrupt me before I could ever finish a point. My mother almost immediately raises her voice at me for 'protesting' and my father has so little patience, he immediately begins to spit and shout. They talk down on me as thought what I say is stupid. My father argued that since my friend owns a car, she can afford a better gift. I told him that wasn't necessarily true as my friend is still a student and unemployed and may not have disposable income but he just yelled at me and told me I was dumb.My mother made comments that I always chose my friends over her and my father made vulgar comments about how I should 'eat my friend's sh**'In situations like this it honestly becomes impossible for me to keep my emotions at bay and alot of yelling occurThey've both referred to me as a b*tch daughter for the way I speak up and I just honestly can't stand living with them this way anymore. It's impossible to see eye to eye with them and these interactions feel unavoidable, no matter how calmly I try to approach the topic. It has honestly always been like this ever since secondary school. I was so afraid of them back then, I let them dictate my life. They were adamant on me going into medicine and I was always too scared back then to disobey them and say otherwise. I ended up failing alot of my examinations back then and didn't end up studying medicine. These things occurred four years ago and since then I've gone into a field that I'm actually much happier in and I even got a first class but my parents still bring up how I failed them back then and lied to them about my academic performance so I just feel like they don't see any worth in me anymore.There was even a point in secondary school where my mental health got so bad, I had in fact made a lousy attempt at suicide which they later found out about it and I was told off for trying to damage their relationship.I know it's bad to say this but I really don't have much respect left for my parents. My dad especially due to his arrogance and actions. He barely ever prays himself, he swear alot at us (especially towards my mum) and he's been physically abusive since my childhood from whipping me with wires and belts to even kicking my pregnant mother whilst she was sat on her prayer mat just because she hid a video game from him. My mum constantly defends him saying he's my dad and her husband so we have to forgive which I personally struggle to agree with. My father hasnt shown me affection in years and never once tried to contact me whenever I'd be away at uni.I don't want to cut them off but when I was away at uni I honestly felt like a weight had been released from my shoulder. I was surrounded by Muslim friends that I could actually have meaningful conversations with. I actually started praying on my own consistently on time. I even felt like I had a healthier relationship with my parents with the distance. But now I'm back it feels like I'm falling back into a pit, I'm slacking on my prayers and feel so exhausted all the time.If I ever asked my parents to move out, they would likely scream at me for ever suggesting it, saying that I'm a woman and it's not right. But I just don't see how me staying in this house is any better. Arguments are unavoidable and I feel so mentally weak. It honestly hurts being around them knowing how they perceive me to be a b*tch and that theres nothing I can say or do to deal with how close minded and hateful they can be. I've told my mum before that children are in fact allowed to correct their parents so long as its respectfully and instead she once again called me a b*tch. It just seems like they want to pick and choose Islam where it gives them power and it honestly feels like it's pushing me away instead of inspiring me to be a good Muslim.Please tell me what I can do in this situation.Jazak Allahu Khayran
Pending