Sep 16

How Can a Gay Muslim Live a Faithful Life? A Question About Lifelong Same-Sex Attraction

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, Shaykh. First of all, I want to say that I am genuinely a fan of you and I especially love your sarcasm and the way you sometimes use humor while discussing serious matters. I have learned from listening to you, which is why I felt comfortable bringing this deeply personal question to you. I am a 25-year-old Bangladeshi Muslim man who practices Islam, although I admit that I am not as regular in my practice as I should be. I sincerely want to ask how someone like me is supposed to live his entire life while experiencing same-sex attraction. I am gay, specifically a gay “side,” meaning that I am not interested in penetrative sex, whether anal or oral. I have known that I was attracted to men since childhood, before I had access to the internet or knew anything about adult/sexual content. I have never had a sexual relationship or hooked up with anyone. I am quite old-fashioned and traditional in my outlook, and I have always tried to avoid haram relationships. If I were to have a partner, I would want courtship, commitment, loyalty, affection, and a lifelong relationship rather than casual dating or promiscuity. My hope is eventually to find a male partner who is also a gay “side” like me and who wants the same kind of committed life. I would like to have a culturally and legally recognized marriage or partnership, perhaps a civil/court marriage rather than an Islamic nikāḥ. I understand that a same-sex nikāḥ is not permissible in Islam, but I would like to understand whether a civil or cultural marriage would have any different implications Islamically. I would want to build a stable household with my partner, potentially living discreetly and safely in Dhaka, or settling abroad if necessary for our safety and legal and social security. I am naturally quite feminine and domestic. I can cook, take care of a household, and have a somewhat traditional “sangsari/sanskari” personality. And of course, I will have a career, be an independent financially and support my family and future marital family too. I feel that I could fit naturally into the kind of household and family environment a partner’s family might expect. Some members of both sides of my family have agreed with or are accepting of this possibility. My maternal family is generally accepting, including my more religious maternal uncle, while some of my paternal family are less accepting overall, although some members are accepting. My parents, however, are not ready to accept this at present. My whole family knew me throughout my childhood and knew my personality and mannerisms. Some suspected my sexuality, while others did not until I came out. No one was harsh with me about it. Some initially thought it might be a psychological disorder, although I understand that sexual orientation is not considered a mental disorder. I have also had hormonal tests twice and consulted a psychiatrist, and I was told that my hormones were normal. I am now 25, and I have increasingly struggled with being alone since around the age of 18. I feel pressure to get married, and my family also wants me to get married, but I have not found a suitable male partner yet. My main concern: I understand the Islamic teaching that same-sex sexual acts are prohibited. I also understand the distinction between an involuntary attraction or desire and voluntarily acting upon it. But if the attraction itself is not something I chose, what does Islam expect from someone who experiences it throughout his entire life? If I cannot have the kind of marriage or partnership I hope for, and if Islam does not permit me to have a same-sex relationship, then how am I supposed to live the rest of my life? I am struggling with the practical reality of potentially living for decades without romantic companionship, physical affection, intimacy, or the possibility of building a life and household with someone I love. There is also another possibility I have seriously thought about because of family reputation and social pressure: a “lavender marriage” with a woman. By this, I mean marrying a woman primarily to conceal my sexuality, avoid social stigma, or preserve my family’s reputation, while she would know beforehand that I am gay and understand the nature of the arrangement. If such a woman knowingly agreed to this arrangement, I would want to treat her respectfully and fulfill my responsibilities toward her as a friend. However, I worry about whether such a marriage would itself be morally or Islamically problematic if I already knew that I could not provide her with the kind of romantic and sexual attraction that a wife might normally expect from her husband. Another question I have is about adoption and raising children. If I were to have a committed male partner, or alternatively a wife in the kind of arrangement I described above, would it be permissible for me to adopt and raise a child together with that partner or spouse? I would genuinely like to become a parent someday, not simply as a way of conforming to social expectations, but because I would want to provide a child with love, care, stability, education, and a good Muslim upbringing. My questions: 1. If a person experiences lifelong same-sex attraction but does not choose it, is the attraction itself sinful, or is the sin specifically in voluntarily acting upon prohibited desires? 2. Would it be permissible or advisable for a gay Muslim man to marry a woman in a “lavender marriage” if she fully knows beforehand that he is gay and willingly agrees to the arrangement? Would her informed consent make a difference Islamically, or could the marriage still be considered unfair because of the lack of genuine romantic or sexual attraction? 3. If a Muslim man knows that he is gay and does not genuinely feel romantic or sexual attraction toward women, is he required to marry a woman anyway? If he knows that he cannot give her the kind of romantic, emotional, or marital relationship she reasonably expects, would marrying her potentially be unfair or deceptive toward her? 4. If marriage to a woman is not realistically suitable for such a person, what does Islam advise him to do for the rest of his life? Is lifelong celibacy the only option, and if so, how should someone practically cope with loneliness and the human need for companionship, affection, emotional closeness, and physical affection? 5. Is there any form of lifelong companionship between two people of the same sex that could be permissible, provided they avoid prohibited sexual acts? For example, could two Muslim men live together as lifelong companions, support each other emotionally and financially, care for each other, and share a household without engaging in sexual acts? 6. If two Muslim men want a lifelong, committed relationship rather than casual sex or promiscuity, does their intention or commitment change the Islamic ruling? If not, what boundaries should they observe if they want to remain as close to Allah as possible? 7. What would be the Islamic ruling on a civil or legally recognized same-sex marriage or partnership, if the couple does not regard it as an Islamic nikāḥ and does not claim that Islam recognizes it as a religious marriage? Would entering such a legal arrangement itself be prohibited, or does the ruling depend on what the relationship involves? 8. How should a gay Muslim deal with family pressure to marry, loneliness, and the desire for companionship while also trying to remain obedient to Allah? Is there specific spiritual or practical guidance for someone who may never marry? 9. I have also wondered about the story of Prophet Lūṭ (ʿalayhis-salām). My understanding is that the Qur’anic account describes the people of Lūṭ committing serious sexual and other forms of wrongdoing, including openly approaching men with lust, aggression, and transgression, and that Prophet Lūṭ’s wife was also punished with them. I have encountered different interpretations regarding exactly which aspects of their conduct were being condemned. I therefore do not want to assume that my understanding is correct and would sincerely appreciate clarification from you. What exactly does the Qur’an and Sunnah establish regarding the wrongdoing of the people of Lūṭ, and how should that account be understood in relation to someone who experiences involuntary same-sex attraction today? 10. If a person has prayed sincerely to Allah for guidance about this matter but does not feel that he has received a clear answer, what should he do? I have personally prayed about this, including during Ramadan, but I could not understand whether I was receiving an answer or, at least, a clear one. This is one of the reasons I am asking you. 11. If I were to adopt a child, would it be permissible to raise that child with a male partner, or with a wife in a lavender marriage? 12. Finally, if the answer is that a person in my situation must remain unmarried and celibate for life, how should he understand that test spiritually? How can he build a meaningful, emotionally fulfilling life while accepting that certain desires and hopes may never be fulfilled? I am not asking these questions simply to justify something I already want to do. I genuinely want guidance. I do not want to live a life of casual hookups, promiscuity, or knowingly disobeying Allah. If there is a way for me to remain a practicing Muslim while dealing honestly with these feelings and the loneliness that can come with them, I sincerely want to know what that path looks like. At the same time, I hope the answer can address the reality that a person may have emotional, romantic, physical, and companionship needs throughout an entire lifetime. I am afraid that simply being told to “stay away from zina” or “remain patient” may not answer how someone is actually supposed to live for the next 50 or 60 years. I know this is a very long and personal question, but I have been carrying it for a long time, and I sincerely want an Islamic answer rather than simply following my own desires. JazakAllah khair, Shaykh, for taking the time to read this. May Allah reward you, guide you, and bless you for helping people with difficult questions. BarakAllahu feek.

Pending