May 20

Feeling extra lost and borderline 💀🔫

I know that's haram. And I won't do it. But I am so insanely sick and tired of this life. Nothing is working out. I am educated. I am a pretty damn good person overall. I can't find love (the one girl whom I clicked with, we separated for other reasons, not us specifically), I don't even do haram things but kinda wish I did at this point. I'm always helping people out. I donate. I pray all my prayers sincerely (although lately I've been feeling nothing). I went to Umrah. I touched the kaaba. I got into rawdah. I've been sincerely being sincere and hopeful for most of my life and even for the past 4 years and every single day 💩 hits the fan. I can't progress in life. I can't get a job for speaking about Palestine. I'm basically getting screwed over by multiple people money wise. People take advantage of me because I'm too stupid and nice. Stupid. I'm a dumbass for trusting anyone. I truly wish I was an a hole. Thinking about just flat out sinning now since I'm accepting my fate as a failure in this life and probably gonna go straight to hell. I feel NOTHING for Islam right now. At this point I'm still praying because it's habit. I've been doing it since I was like 8. And it feels off if I don't pray. I'm a failure even though I did everything to not be.You might use Palestine and Sudan as a counter but tbh, everyone's struggles are different and I won't undermine my own. I'm sick of this life so much. I never asked for it. I'm here getting effed from every direction even though I haven't even been sinning like that. But at this point, why not just do it and try to enjoy life a bit rather than eating 💩 here and the next? I HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. I'm constantly wishing for death but I know that in the next life I'm screwed anyways. My only hope is someone intercedes for me but at this point, why even bother.

Pending